“If
Pittsburgh were transformed into a super hero comic book short film script for
tonight. .. it might go like this.” Starring Wiz Khalifa, Billy Gardell, Yo-Yo Ma and
a 40 foot yellow rubber duck ...
Unedited Draft 1:
If Pittsburgh were transformed into a super hero comic book short
film script for tonight. .. it might go like this.
My wife and I are walking from our home in Sewickley into a
Yellow Cab dressed in black tie gala attire. Filler footage of the Sewickley
Village scene as our cab drives through and we chat showing her beautiful blue
gown and the luxurious fabric of my tuxedo pants – the whizzing along side the
Ohio River & Rt. 65.
The cab goes by Heinz Field and makes it way further past
Point State Park and its forever fountain toward PNC Park via the Ft. Duquense
Bridge – and, there’s that money shot of one of this weekend’s jewels in the
crown. .. the buzz for the weekend is Pirates are finally in the playoffs again
since early 1990’s, the Cultural District Art Gallery & Café Crawl,
Pittsburgh Symphony Orchestra Gala and season kick-off (“some enchanted evening”
theme) featuring a world class performance by no other than Yo-Yo Ma, and the
giant 40 foot tall yellow rubber duck on loan from Japan sitting in one of
Pittsburgh’s three rivers by the Roberto Clemente Bridge.
It’s apparent under the sky blue sky of Pittsburgh as the
sun is setting why Pittsburgh has been called The Golden Triangle for centuries
now. The city has never looked better and its people after years of corruption,
pollution and economic depression (as well as a non value of life moral
decline) have never felt such civic pride and in a position to really chant, “Cleveland
Sucks!”
We glide through the city streets to the opulent Heniz Hall.
“Architecture is like frozen music” I whisper to my wife as we mingle our way
through cocktails & hors d’œuvre pre-performance. Women and men alike dressed like
proud peacocks strutting along while sipping fancy drinks & with white napkins.
It’s a star studded affair for the PSO and a “who’s who” of the city = “some
enchanted evening” indeed my wife says back to me. “I feel like we’re in a
fairy tale.”
We our seated. The lights are turned down low.
Yo-Yo Ma’s
multi-faceted career is testament to his continual search for new ways to
communicate with audiences, and to his personal desire for artistic growth and
renewal - exploring cultures and musical forms outside the Western classical
tradition, Mr. Ma strives to find connections that stimulate the imagination –
And he was delivering the #goodstuff tonight for all of us.
Just then men in black
& yellow gang colors storm the police at the doors of Heniz Hall and over
power the 90 year old ushers and are all around with Bushmaster AR-15 ‘s.
Trouble. Real
trouble. This isn’t the kind of guys caught in “the targets” of some desperate
divorcee & bored housewife diabolical gossip this is the kind of “real
trouble successful celebrated detectives hate to target & label as “suspect”
(when there are plenty of non violent low level #potheads to bust & jail as
trophies) and politicians hate to admit exists. There was no suspicion left for me. I knew in
front of us and all round was real trouble.
Suddenly the main
chandelier starts to shake, rattle and roll and as the lights blackout and then
turn back on in full blaze = Wiz Khalifa in full blaze
appears on stage with Yo-Yo Ma.
“Peduto!” Wiz
Khalifa screams into the mic. “All these people are gonna get smoked unless I
get that statue of me at the Pittsburgh Intl. Airport! I want your signature in
blood now!”
Peduto, one of
the examples of the new Pittsburgh uncorrectable politician (who doesn’t go to
the extreme of having a private police
squad to carry through with his dark agenda of putting bounties on his enemies
to be sold off to prison pimps) gives a sincere plea to Wiz Khalifia reminding
him that even when every teacher & adult had turned on him and said he
would be nothing more than scum – he believed that he would one day represent
Pittsburgh as one of its biggest pop stars in the world of rap music. Which Wiz
accomplished.
Tensions were
releasing and things looked better.
But then Wiz’s
iPhone’s alarm that he got a tweet or a mention in a tweet alerted him.
Sally Wiggin of
WTAE Channel 4 was in the PSO’s theme of “some enchanted evening” and was
dressed like Tinker Bell from Peter Pan. Sitting next to her was king of new
media WDVE’s Pittsburgh’s “DVE Randy.” Despite the age gap and the fact Sally
Wiggin was dressed like Tinker Bell – DVE Randy looked just like Robert Downey
Jr. in his Sherlock Holmes character and so they did not appear odd looking
together at all.
“Just in,” Wiz
announced while glancing at his phone with a menacing grin, “Wiz is just super
super high = he’ll forget what he’s doing in about 4.3 seconds. Haha!
@DVERandy."
“That’s it!” Wiz
brought down the chandelier smashing to the ground and exposing a gaping wound
of the ceiling of Heniz Hall displaying a blanket of stars.
“You all are
sitting ducks!” Wiz laughed.
Yo-Yo Ma and Wiz
darted back stage – Wiz dragging Yo-Yo Ma by the arm.
Yo-Yo Ma then
stands alone on stage with the mic.
“We’re all
doomed,” Yo-Yo Ma explained. Wiz is
going to have the 40 foot yellow rubber duck sitting in the river by the Roberto
Clemente Bridge dropped on the ceiling of Heinz Hall to crush us all to our
death. There’s nothing we can do.”
DVERandy knows we
need a hero and uses twitter and his private tweets for good.
Out in L.A.
Pittsburgh’s Billy Gardell was hired by nonetheless of Les Moonves himself after
Billy saved a loose bird in the parking lot studio from flying into Julie Chen’s
hair as she was stepping onto the set of Big Brother. Billy happened to be
walking by to audition for Mike & Molly and had his lucky “Terrible Towel”
with him that he was using to wipe the sweat from his forhead and behind his
neck in that humid urban jungle L.A. heat and waved that Terrible Towel with
such force at that bird flying right for Julie Chen’s hairdo that the bird and
tragedy was averted.
“You know what?!”
Billy Gardell said to Les Moonves. “That was too funny!”
“Yes.” Les Moonves replied. “What are you here for,
Mike & Molly auditions? You’re hired!”
DVERandy knew the
only thing to blow away that 40 foot yellow rubber duck sitting in the river by
the Roberto Clemente Bridge from being dropped through the ceiling of Heinz
Hall crushing everybody to their deaths was the sheer might and force of Billy
Gardell waving the “Terrible Towel” …
Meanwhile, Wiz is
gathered with gang leaders from all the major Pittsburgh hot spots … Homewood,
Homestead, McKeesport, North Side, Hill District, Duquense. … and Wiz is
delivering s speech to unite and fight as one like the speech Cyrus from the
blockbuster 70’s film “the Warriors” gave to NYC gang leaders to unite and
fight as one. ..
To Be Continued. …
Written by
mystrawhat.com & the new everydaymedia 9/27/13 Draft 1 “If Pittsburgh were
transformed into a super hero comic book short film script for tonight. .. it
might go like this.” Starring Wiz Khalifa, Billy Gardell, Yo-Yo Ma and a 40 foot yellow rubber duck
john alan conte jr.
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